Ramblings (Nostalgia)

(Inspired by Cristian Mihai’s “Nostalgia” post). 

Nostalgia has always been a big thing for me. Of course,
we all get times when we feel nostalgic and are temporarily
taken back to a specific moment in time. But it’s odd, there are times
where I can find myself deeply lost in hindsight, so severely that
the present time seems to melt away, to fizzle out into some frivolous mirage.

I’ve never had an addiction, as such, but hunting for things,
anything – pictures, music, old text messages – that can
snatch me from the present and take me back to a specific
experience, or give life to a feeling I felt a long time ago has
always been something I can’t arrest myself from doing.

Again, it’s odd. But it’s deeper than just being lost in a memory
and getting a strange feeling in your chest for a moment.
It’s almost as though, over the years, I’ve trailed through life,
shedding bits and pieces of myself as time stretched on,
parts of myself of which, for whatever reason, I’m almost
afraid of losing. Little sentimental components which make up
the entirety of my being. Like as if, if I was to ever lose who I was,
I could never be sure of who I am today. So I have to keep
checking up on the old self,
like checking if the sky’s still blue or if fire’s still hot.

I’m afraid to let go. I shed, I change, I grow, but I never want to
completely throw out those old pieces of me. It’s like a kind of photo album of all the experiences, emotions, thoughts and personalities I’ve ever had.
It’s something I enjoy looking back at, a strange confirmation
that I really am here today. That I actually exist.

I’ve changed so much over the years.
Particularly because I’ve never really known who
I was only until recently. So looking back in hindsight
and at the person (or different people) I once was helps me to realise who I am.

And being the sad and lonely kid I was, I (me now) sometimes want to back into the past and place a hand on the shoulder of the person I used to be and tell him,
Hey, don’t worry so much. Things’ll get better. You’ll find yourself one day and really know who you are. And smile.

Nostalgia is such a bittersweet stigma.

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